Moving into 2023 is moving further away from Dex

WITH EVERY DAY THAT ENDS, ITS ONE STEP FURTHER FROM THE DAYS WE ONCE SPENT TOGETHER.

2023 has begun, we all make resolutions. Trivialities that hold our focus for the coming months, and fall away as the year starts. There is little I dream of for 2023, I wanted with everything for Dex to live and see the year in, he didn't and now we're separated between living and death. Two realms unable to mix or live together, it's a reality I can't bare, but baring it is the only way we can function now, or at least attempting to. It's been nearly 6 months since Dexter was taken from us and we lived those months fast and hard so not to feel the pain as deeply, we threw him an amazing send off, we fused together as a family, We set up Dexters arc with the support of Alices Arc, a charity that's given us drive to demand change, work towards it and we've made friends, all of us bonded over the most tragic and traumatic losses of our children.

With Lush's support we launched ' Dexters Dragon egg' to raise funds for Dexters Arc, it was a successful venture and the golden bath bomb raised £150k in Dexters name.

Jack and his team opened our first ' Achroma store' and worked at pushing our new table top evolving card game out to the world. Within the card game we immortalised Dexter as ' The master of dragons.'

For Lily's sixteenth we went on a break to New York with our closest friends, five weeks after the funeral. It was bittersweet and hard, but it was inspiring and peaceful with our eldest daughter and our closest friends. It was an amazing four days, where we laughed, cried, bickered and raged at one another when the mood took us, we drank looking over NYC, took the tour round Central Park and enjoyed all the tourist spots. It was crazy how it felt so foreign and far from our life of grief back home and somehow the grief followed.

Along side all of the above, Jack and I weaved a round of IVF and two frozen cycles in hope to complete the dream of adding to our family with no luck. We had planned to start the cycle in march but when Dexter's diagnosis hit we wanted to concentrate solely on him. We had the rounds in September and December, another string of distraction to our bow. This wasn't a knee jerk reaction to Dexters death, he had asked for a baby sister and we had been happy to indulge him we tried a few rounds in 2021 but the stress of Dexters cancer had taken a toll on my body and the embryo's just weren't up to scratch, leaving some time till the end of 2022 gave us three top grade embryo's but its still not been the right time. Maybe 2023 will be the time or not, only fate will know.

Those were the weaved in highlights, among all the sad reminders hard birthday celebrations and lets not even talk about Christmas. Or we can but it hurts.

July to the end of November was jam packed with everything and anything to keep our minds busy, but the minute my body relaxed and my head hit the pillow I would cry. Everyday, in the car, driving listening to music I sob, in the bath I sob, any minute where my mind isn't distracted the wave of grief hits. Its surprising how much time effects its power, I miss him more and more as the days and weeks go on and its hard to be tolerant and control my disdain for all the clichès that are offered. Don't get me wrong the well meaning sincerity is appreciated but its hard to swallow, the advice often comes from those with no experience of the harrowing situation our family live in. But in truth it's no one else its me who can't tolerate anything and some times anyone, its a response to my anger. Im trying to be better than I am.

However December brought, covid, flu and sickness in our house, I've been told this could represent a healing crisis, but I believe it was a demonstration of how exhausted our household was, living at full speed, trying to adapt and ignore the pain and progress, achieve things beyond grief and loss. Either way, Covid hit me full force and on December 1st when the calendars where being opened, I was unable to be there and sad that dex wasn't their either. Our annual PJ picture was postponed and the sadness of being isolated in a guilded prison, aka my bedroom with my own thoughts was a new way to torture myself, swathed with grief and no where to go. So I started to write.

I had been newly inspired by my childhood love for the Addams family, I was thrilled and delighted by Tim Burtons Wednesday. Crossing my love for his vision and directing with my favourite gothic family woke a part of the old me and I thought I should write while inspiration struck. I think that having a creative outlet is so good for me but its a fleeting joy, it comes and goes as it flitters with my energy levels. Some days, more than often I procrastinate, waste time, don't do any of the jobs I'm meant too, let alone write.

So new year... I can't be over joyed in it, its going to be ups and downs, but I can try and find focus, try and clear out my cupboards, write my new book idea, write my blog and be a present member of the realm runner team. Enjoy the things we do as a family, the kids wins and try and build a career in a time when every penny counts and I really need something new to focus and hide my mind from all the darkness and demons that follow me around. I'm not hiding from Dexters memory, just the images of what cancer, treatments and death can leave.